The first piece in this series was about having small conversations often. One question in the car on the way to swimming, and making a point of having at least one conversation a month. This time, I want to get into what we actually say to children, review my favourite child protection books and tell you why I think some of it needs to start earlier than we realise.
Protective behaviours education works, and it’s worth knowing exactly how. Large reviews show it builds children’s knowledge and safety skills and makes them more likely to tell, without making them more anxious (Walsh et al., 2015). But teaching children isn’t enough on its own. Everyday parenting (involvement, warmth and supervision) is linked to lower risk of abuse (Rudolph et al., 2022).
the OT session
Earlier this year I asked my son’s occupational therapist to do some protective behaviours work with him. He was five. I sat in on the session.
I’d already done all of this at home, but I wanted it reinforced by someone he likes, I figured that two people saying the same thing is better than one. She talked to him about identifying feelings – great. Then from what I overheard the private part conversation was limited to keeping things private. He is five years old. I found it quite triggering and frustrating listening to this. I understand that this is where most conversations should start but it just felt so basic.
What I hadn’t put together at the time, eavesdropping from the next room, was that my son had already told me something. Something about a device, and cartoons that weren’t for kids.
I’d already heard disclosures about tricky situations and people, including my son wanting to protect someone who had hurt him. Now there was this new information about a different carer at a different centre. Listening to that session, I felt frustrated because the conversation was missing something important.
Imagine a child who has already been shown something they weren’t supposed to see, then told to keep it secret. How are they supposed to hear a conversation about things that are wrong without wondering whether they’ve done something wrong themselves?
The intention was good. But I started to realise that we were reinforcing the very message we wanted him to feel safe telling us about.
what a groomer has already told your child
Your child may already have had conversations with someone you know nothing about. They may have been told that their relationship is special, that something is a secret, or that you’ll be angry if you find out.
So the conversation needs these key elements:
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These are some of the sign posts of a tricky person and behaviour (discuss sign posts)
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You can tell me anything. You won’t get in trouble. And it’s not your fault.
Most parents talk to their children about private parts, what other people can and can’t do, and telling a trusted adult if something feels wrong.
Many also tell their children they can come to them with anything.
I think we need to go a step further. Children may be frightened of getting into trouble, but they may also feel ashamed of what happened, particularly if someone has made them believe they were involved in something wrong. I want my children to know that they can tell me, whatever has happened, and I won’t blame them for it.
I wholeheartedly say both to my kids, and I mean it: if something serious happens and you tell me, you’re not in trouble, and nothing about it is your fault, no matter what anyone has told you.
I mean it even if they’ve broken a rule along the way. Maybe they went somewhere they weren’t allowed to go, or used a device they weren’t supposed to have. I still want them to tell me what happened. We can deal with the broken rule separately or not at all (how many rules will I inconsistently manage). I’d rather deal with a broken rule than have my child afraid to tell me what’s happened
There are plenty of other opportunities to punish a child, if you’re into punishments, which aren’t even that effective most of the time anyway. After a child has been groomed or abused is not the time. That is the time to build trust.
With older kids this gets more complicated, because the boundary that’s been crossed might be online, and you will have to change something. You take the phone out of the bedroom. You turn the app off.
That isn’t a punishment. They’re not in trouble. You’re putting a boundary in to protect them, and you say that.
start earlier than you think
From the beginning
Use the correct names for body parts, respect your child’s bodily boundaries and start talking about privacy in everyday ways as they become able to understand it. Don’t wait until they start school.
Preschool and early school years
Gradually introduce body autonomy, tricky situations, secrets, and what children can do when someone makes them uncomfortable or asks them to keep something from you. You can start with simple examples: someone offering special treats, asking a child to keep a secret, or telling them they’ll be in trouble if they tell.
Children can also learn to notice how different situations make them feel. Some might feel uncomfortable or worried; others might feel confused or not know what they feel at all. They don’t have to work out whether something is wrong before coming to you.
As they grow
Build on these conversations. Talk about how someone might gain a child’s trust, cross boundaries gradually, introduce inappropriate material or use threats to keep them quiet. Include online situations as they become relevant to your child’s world.
Children can understand different parts of these ideas at different ages. You don’t have to cover everything in one conversation. Keep coming back to it, using books, everyday examples and questions they can understand.
The aim isn’t to make children suspicious of everyone. It’s to help them recognise behaviour that concerns them, know they can come to you, and understand that they won’t be blamed for telling you what’s happened.
two books I use often
The first is Jayneen Sanders’ Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept. Sir Alfred is a little knight whose mother works at the castle of Lord Henry, a man everybody loves. Lord Henry looks after Alfred while his mother works, and then starts a “tickling game” Alfred doesn’t like. When Alfred asks him to stop, Lord Henry tells him to keep it secret, or his mother will lose her job.
I like how directly it deals with the situation: the trusted adult, the access to the child, the secret, and the threat involving someone the child loves. The special adult, the access, the secret, the threat aimed at the person the child loves most. And there’s a detail adults should notice too: when Alfred first says he doesn’t want to play with Lord Henry anymore, his mother tells him not to be silly, because Lord Henry is such a kind man. She only hears him later, when she finds him crying in bed.
If a child recognises what’s happening, they may have a better chance of telling someone before the situation escalates. It’s not bulletproof. There are adults trained in child abuse and domestic violence who still end up trapped in domestic violence relationships. Knowing the pattern doesn’t make you immune. But a child who knows what a secret plus a threat looks like has a better chance of breaking out of it early.
The second is I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private, by Zack King and his mum, Kimberly King. Zack went to a sleepover where a friend asked him to touch his private parts and told him all the cool kids do it. Zack knew it was a red flag. He tried to tell the friend’s mum, and she did nothing. So he took himself off to the bathroom, and he told his own mum as soon as he got home. Then the two of them wrote a book about it, to help other kids. It uses red flags and green flags for what’s OK and what isn’t, and it covers bribes, threats, and what to do when the adult you tell doesn’t listen.
I tell my kids that it was written by a real boy, with his mum, because of something that happened to him. And think about what that’s saying to them underneath. This kid spoke up. The grown-up in the house didn’t protect him, and he spoke up anyway. And now other kids are reading his story.
That’s the message, planted subconsciously without overtly saying it.
be the leader
Groomers can make a child feel chosen. They offer attention, share things the child is told not to tell anyone else, and create a sense that the two of them have something special
Take a leaf out of their book. What I like to do is study groomers so I can think like them, that is how you beat them. You need to be the one with the special information. You need to be the leader in your family on this.
I don’t mean be the cool parent. I’m not that mum, believe me. If that’s your thing, fine, but it’s not what I mean. I mean having the insight, and passing it on the way people who are good at this do. Think about a good TED talk. Someone has noticed something about the world, packaged it up and handed it over, and we look up to them for it. Remember, your audience is a lot easier than a TED audience, because to your child, you are already on the podium, you are their world.
So take the lead. Here’s your body. Be careful of that situation. Why do we always check the toilets? Why do I always come in with you, and not let you go on your own? What are some normal things that happen in there, and what tricky things could happen?
I always do it the same way. This could happen, and then this could happen, and then this, and it might lead to something tricky. It might be fine. It might not be. You won’t always know. So if you get that unsure feeling, come and talk to me and we’ll figure it out together.
That’s our motto in this house. Could be fine, could be not. Let’s work it out together.
how to make it happen
Start early. Earlier than you think. Start today.
Do it often. At least once a month. Put it in your calendar like any other appointment, because if it isn’t in the diary it won’t happen.
Plan the content. A couple of books gives you a few months already. Rotate them, and mix in other things.
Use the world. If you see something in the news or the paper, share it with your child, at their level. Not the details. The pattern.
Tricky Patterns. These are some of the sign posts of tricky behaviour and patterns.
Say both sentences. You won’t get in trouble. It’s not your fault. (and mean it, you can punish them some other time for other things).
This post was drafted with AI-assisted editing from my own voice notes, and every line has been reviewed by me before publication.
References
Australian Government, eSafety Commissioner. (n.d.). The hard-to-have conversations. https://www.esafety.gov.au/parents/issues-and-advice/hard-to-have-conversations
Australian Government, eSafety Commissioner. (n.d.). Unwanted contact and grooming. https://www.esafety.gov.au/parents/issues-and-advice/grooming-or-unwanted-contact
Australian Government, National Office for Child Safety. (n.d.). Preschool-age children. https://www.childsafety.gov.au/having-conversations/having-conversations-children-and-young-people/preschool-age-children
Australian Government, National Office for Child Safety. (n.d.). When to begin consent and body safety conversations. https://www.childsafety.gov.au/resources/when-begin-consent-and-body-safety-conversations
Rudolph, J., Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J., & Walsh, K. (2022). Recall of sexual abuse prevention education at school and home: Associations with sexual abuse experience, disclosure, protective parenting, and knowledge. Child Abuse & Neglect, 129, 105680. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2022.105680
Walsh, K., Zwi, K., Woolfenden, S., & Shlonsky, A. (2015). School-based education programmes for the prevention of child sexual abuse. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, 2015(4), Article CD004380. https://doi.org/10.1002/14651858.CD004380.pub3